Alone
by Etcha
Summary: Alex is so tired of waking up and finding that is brother is no longer there. Contains spoilers. Rated M just in case because of really depressing themes. Oneshot. Would be nice if you R&R it.


**Please don't flame/bash me for this fanfic. This is the result of hearing Missing by Evanescence over and over again and even getting weepy over the song (OMG, the song and lyrics fit Alex so well!!) and staying up until 6 am. I apologize in advance if you find this fanfic to be poorly written or if I didn't keep Alex in-character. If you think I did then I'll try to keep that in mind and not do that next time. It would also be nice if you could inform me how to improve on my writing, I would like to get better at it. I feel that some areas of this fanfic were a bit weak. But that could just be that I'm being too hard on myself, I don't know...Anyways, I'll let you get on to read this fanfic, sorry for the rambling.**

**Alone**

"_Come on Alex! Last one there is a rotten egg!" yelled Alex's little brother Josh, Alex seeing his little brother running ahead of him._

_The younger Alex laughed as he ran to try and catch up with his brother, despite the fact that Alex was taller and had longer legs then Joshua. Actually, secretly Alex was just running slower than he was able to so that his younger brother could win their little race. Normally if Alex did run at the pace of what he was capable of, he knew that he could easily beat Joshua in the race for the first one to get to their house. But seeing as it was just a silly little race, and it was his little brother, Alex decided to let him win._

_Because, well, he was his little brother._

_Alex felt that he would anything for him. He felt that with his little brother around, it made things at home more tolerable to live with, despite the fact that it was obvious that the brothers' parents showered their affections on Joshua then they ever did with Alex. Alex could hardly remember the last time his father had hugged him, or the last time his mother had kissed and comforted him after having a terrifying nightmare as a kid._

_Even at Christmas and on their birthdays Joshua always got a lot more presents then Alex ever got in his lifetime, but he had always put it down to that Joshua was a lot younger then he was, although doubtfulness played into the back of his mind that that wasn't the case. Besides, Alex felt that he should be grateful that he even got any presents at Christmas and on his birthdays._

_But Alex didn't blame Joshua that their parents cared for him more than Alex, for he could remember that even before Joshua was born his parents still acted uncaring towards him. Plus, Alex felt lucky that he was able to create such a special, brotherly bond with his little brother. If it wasn't for Joshua and his best friend, Elle, Alex felt that he would had ran away from home ages ago._

"_Yes, I win!" Joshua cheered in triumph when he had reached the front door to their home. Alex smiled at his brother as he stopped on the front porch of their house, resting his hands on his knees and trying his best to pretend that he had become out of breath. "Damn...I think...I need to get more exercise" Alex said, still pretending that he was out of breath_

"_Yeah, I think your tummy's getting bigger too" Joshua teased. "Hey! Now is that anyway to speak to your big brother like that?" Alex replied, obviously pretending that he was hurt. He then ruffled his brother's hair, smiling and chuckling as his brother reacted with protesting slightly in that way that little kids do when they get their hair ruffled..._

And that was when Alex opened his eyes, his mind entering back to the real, waking world.

Alex blinked as he turned on his back, suddenly realizing that felt like a punch in the face that it had all just been a dream, most likely half of a memory too, causing Alex's heart to feel heavy with feeling and he could feel his eyes watering with tears, fighting back a sob. The male closed his eyes tightly as he felt a tear roll down the side of his face and this time he didn't bother to fight down the sob that came from his throat, feeling that it was too painful. A look of emotional, grieving pain was all over Alex's face, bringing a hand up to his head.

He sat up and silently cried for his dead brother. Alex had been having dreams of him and Joshua a lot lately, and he was so tired of waking up and finding yet again that Joshua was not there, that he would never be there.

He was so tired of it, so very tired...He had never meant to kill his brother, it had been an accident. He would never want to kill his brother. He had even promised that he wouldn't allow anything to happen to Joshua...and yet he had allowed that to happen...and what's worse it had been by his own hands, it had been his fault that his brother was now dead...Alex wished dearly with all his heart that he had never brought his brother out on that damn lake, on that damn fucking boat. He never got the chance to say that he loved his brother...

After Alex had calmed down a bit did he look down on the bed that he was sitting on, seeing that the bed that he had been sleeping in was in his brother's bed, the one on the bottom that was part of their bunk bed.

Ever since Alex had come home from the mental hospital, he had been sleeping in his brother's bed. The bed had that unique smell of his brother's that smelled kind of musky yet a distant sweet smell to the scent that reminded Alex of candy. Yet Alex was beginning to notice that his brother's smell was slowly disappearing and his brother's bed was starting to smell more like Alex.

And Alex was scared that he would eventually forget Joshua. He didn't want to forget him, he could already feel himself mentally clinging onto the memories that he remembered of him and Joshua. He missed his little brother so much that it hurt...Alex wished that the pain of grieving would just go away, yet he feared that it might never disappear, that he'll always feel this emotional, torturing pain for his lost brother and feel the strong guilt and regret of what he did, even if it had been an accident.

Since Alex had returned from the hospital, he had discovered that Elle and Deputy Wheeler had not actually been real. Well, from his dream/illusions they weren't. When Alex had come round and realized the reality of things, he had discovered that Wheeler had been one of the doctors at the hospital, and Elle had been one of the nurses. When Alex had realized this, he found it a shock, and even devastated that he had no friends to turn to, that his friends had been all in his head.

And it seemed that his parents had become colder towards him than ever before. His father would just lock himself in the basement all day, doing God knows what down there, and he could often hear his mother crying in his parents' bedroom. Alex felt like his parents were trying to avoid him at all costs. And at dinner the family would just sit and eat quietly without an exchange in words, sitting in awkward and depressing silence at the dinner table.

Since he had come home Alex felt like a big looming, grey cloud had been placed over the Shepherd's household and that nothing would be able to shift it. Alex knew deep down that the Shepherd family will never be able to return back to how they once were. Ever. And Alex knew it was because of the accident, causing Alex's terrible guilt to worsen to know that he was cause of how things had become now.

Alex got up off the bed and got dressed; grabbing anything really that was lying on the floor, not really caring what he had chosen to wear for today. After he had put his shoes on did Alex managed to find an empty backpack and took it with him, leaving the bedroom. Alex then stopped and hesitated for a moment, thinking that maybe he should leave a note, but then he thought better of it, making his way down the stairs.

_They wouldn't care if I was gone...they hate me_ Alex thought gloomy. It was so depressing to be in his house now, oh how he hated it...Alex wished that he had a friend to talk to, someone that he could turn to for comfort in his time of need...but he didn't, he had no one...Alex was alone, and oh how alone did the little black sheep feel.

As Alex got to the front door, he stopped and turned, taking one last look round the hallway. Alex felt that he wasn't going to miss this place, nor his mother or father. Alex had always said that he wanted to get away from Shepherd's Glen.

Well, he was now going to do just that...

Alex stood at the edge of Toluca Lake, looking out across the waters. The lake looked strangely spooky against the grey skies that the early morning had brought on, but Alex didn't care about that. He didn't care anything or anyone right now, except for what he was going to do, that was the only thing on his mind right now.

He felt that it was best for everyone if he just left, disappeared out of their lives...His parents didn't care about him; nobody cared about him...

Alex began to pick up a few small rocks off the ground, and filled his backpack up until it felt heavy and then he placed the backpack on his back. The male took a deep breath and then he began to walk forward, feeling the chilling cold water of the lake with every step he took.

_No regrets...don't look back_...Alex thought in an eerily calm tone, his face displaying no emotion as he walked further into the lake, the water raising up his body. He closed his eyes.

_Hold on Josh...I'm coming to join you..._ were the last thoughts of Alex Shepherd before the water completely submerged his body in the lake's icy cold liquid and sending him to a watery grave.

**The End**

**So, yeah, this turned out to be a depressing/suicidal fanfic. Once again, please do not flame/bash me for making Alex kill himself. I myself am an Alex fan (even more of an Alex x Elle fan). It just something that happened after listening to the Evanescence song that I mentioned at the start, and having a desire to write a SH5 fanfic that won't seem like a copy of another SH5 fanfic on here, you know? Do you guys think that I made this feel depressing enough? I feel that I didn't make it depressing enough, but that could be because I'm the writer, so maybe the readers would feel different about it, I dunno. Guess I will have to wait for the reviews to come in and found out.**


End file.
